Why am I so afraid of—or at least, why do I care so much about—what people think of me? Why does it bother me this much? It's natural to think about it, but it's never good when it gets to be too much and takes up my own space.
Defining, analyzing, organizing, observing life as it unfolds, flowing, jazzing...
The word "jazzing" from the movie Soul deeply resonates with me. To be honest, I have never been particularly drawn to jazz, yet a nameless curiosity has always pulled me toward it. I once picked up a book titled The History of Jazz. Though I couldn't finish it due to a lack of focus and a bit of laziness, the stories surrounding the roots of Black music captivated me.
While the tragedy of slavery is a recognized historical truth, seeing it through intimate, personal accounts was entirely different. Still, it feels inappropriate to casually claim, "I understand" or "I know" a suffering so immense that it defies human imagination. The very best we can do is simply keep trying to comprehend it. The music itself hasn't touched my soul yet, but its history always does. Perhaps that is why I hold a lingering affection for this genre, hoping that one day, the melodies will finally move me as deeply as their history has.
what makes you feel uncomfy
define where you dipped in
like you can actually touch it
isn't it in the past
don't look back in anger, right?
can you fix it or do you want to fix it
isn't it just a dashing blow
do you really want to grab it change it make it right
but you must understand there's nothing such as perfect thing
perfect mood perfect moment
all are vain rubbish scam
I'm about to go on my very first solo camping trip. There are only two days left until I leave. It's just a campsite near my home, right in the middle of the city where I live, but it still makes my heart flutter.
It's been almost ten years since we bought our first tent.
For a long time, I didn't realize that I wanted to camp. But when my husband suggested it years ago, the feeling slowly came back to me. I think I had always been fascinated by tents. Ever since I was little, I loved the idea of sleeping in a tent, not only in the wilderness but almost anywhere. The tent itself was the center of that fantasy.
When I was in elementary school, we had a camping night at school. We spent one day and one night there. We were divided into groups and did everything together: setting up tents, carrying supplies, cooking our meals, and gathering around a big campfire after dark. We didn't even have proper sleeping bags, just blankets and pillows. I remember one student brought a real air mattress, and that tent immediately became the most popular place in the camp. It was so much fun.
There is another memory that feels even more vivid to me.
When I was a child, my uncle died in a car accident. It was sudden and tragic. I was very fond of him, even though we didn't spend much time together. We lived far apart and only met once or twice a year.
I remember one day when we went hiking and almost lost our way in the mountains. At the time, I had no idea how serious the situation might have been because my uncle never showed any fear or frustration. He never let us see that he was worried. To us, it was simply a wonderful adventure.
He was my mother's older brother, and there was a large age gap between them. My mother often told us stories about him. He loved traveling alone with very little money. In Korea, we call it "무전여행," which means traveling without money. Maybe it wasn't so unusual in those days. Society was poorer, but people were also warmer and more trusting. It seemed possible to travel alone without much money and still find help along the way.
My mother told us countless stories about his adventures. Because he had almost no money, he usually carried a backpack with a tent and basic camping gear. I was completely fascinated by those stories. I dreamed that someday, when I grew up, I would go on my own mujeon yeohaeng.
Well, I grew up and realized that I wasn't brave enough for that kind of adventure. It felt too scary.
So I made a second choice.
One day, a friend and I took a trip with only a very small amount of money. We called it "소전여행," a low-budget version of 무전여행. We weren't brave enough to travel with no money at all, but we wanted to experience something similar.
It turned out to be every bit as wonderful as I had imagined. I had several unforgettable experiences that I never could have planned for. I was grateful to my friend for sharing those precious moments with me.
That trip happened just before I got married.
Then time flew by.
I had two daughters, and now they are both teenagers.
When my oldest daughter was four years old, my husband suggested camping for the first time. My reaction was, "What?" I was surprised to realize that I had completely forgotten all those dreams and memories. Since then, the four of us have gone camping from time to time, and luckily we all enjoy it.
People often say that children stop spending time with their families as they get older, but our daughters still love doing things together with us. Not only traveling, but also eating out, taking walks, shopping, and many other simple things. I am very grateful for that.
But as my daughters grew older, and as I grew older too, a new dream began to take shape.
I wanted to take a trip completely by myself.
And now, after all these years, that dream is finally about to come true.
Two nights from now, I will set up my tent, spend the night alone, and begin another small adventure of my own.
부모는 자식이 누구와 함께든
성공을 하든 아니든
중요하지 않아
자식이 원하는대로 잘 살길 바랄 뿐이지
건강하기만 하면 돼
父母最大的愿望，不是你有多成功，也不是你跟谁在一起。
只希望你按照自己想要的方式，好好生活。健康、平安，就够了。
쉬운 거, 쉽게 사는 사람 아무도 없다.
힘든 걸 겪고 있으니까 힘든 게 당연한 거야
다 힘들고 순탄하지 않지만 그것도 한편으론 당연한 거잖아? 그럼에도 치명적이게 심각한 나쁜 일은 없으니 얼마나 건강하고 좋은 일이야?
한 번에 하루씩만.
오늘 지나갔으면 된 거고,
내일은 내일 해 보는 거고
적당히 잘 줄을 잡아당기며 살 거야
I'm always surprised by how easily some people get stressed out when things don't go their way. Even when the issue is trivial and has little impact on the overall process, they still panic. It would be fine if they just kept it to themselves, but the problem is they express their frustration in a negative, almost hostile manner.
I hate this, but I feel severely jealous of almost everyone.
It's like this constant pressure to be better than others, even though I know I'm not.
Can you imagine living like this?
I think it partly comes from my childhood.
I grew up around someone who was always talking down to everyone, treating them like idiots with real hatred and contempt- as if those people didn't even deserve respect or the right to live.
It has been eating me alive my whole life.
I'm trying so hard to fight it, but it feels like it's carved into my bones.
오랜만에 기록을 남기는 지금의 나는
조직에 속해 사람들 사이에서 일을 하고 돈 버는 생활을 시작한지 세달째가 되어가며
일 시작 후 처음으로 3일 연속으로 쉬는 날을 기념하여
처음으로 나홀로 야영을 시도했다
외로울까봐 해리와 헤드위그를 데리고 -
대략 25살즘 먹은 텐트
레트로한 색감에 특이한 창문이 매력적인 추억템
이렇게 이넌텐트는 한강과 옥상에서 한두번 펼쳐본 적 있지만
정말 펼쳐보고 싶었던 건 바로 플라이였다
너무 예쁜 빨강
와 진짜 너무너무 쳐보고 싶었다
뜨거운 햇살을 걱정해 미니타프를 사고 싶었지만 뻔한 이유로 고이접고
플라이 문이라도 펼쳐놓았다
나는 영영 매듭과 스토퍼의 원리를 이해하지 못할 거야, 어쨌든 다짜고짜 고정 성공
세상에 멀리서 볼 때마다 깜짝 놀라게 되는 예쁜 빨강
이게 내 텐트라니
꺄아
자리도 모퉁이에 평일이라 한가한 덕택에 모든 게 좋았다
원래 잔디밭을 좋아하는데 전전날 비가 많이 와서 혹시 진흙탕이 되어있을까 봐 걱정돼서 파쇄석으로 옮겼다
첫솔캠 기념 선물로 받은 술 한병
요즘 독주를 즐기고 싶은 마음이 크지만 적당한 걸 고르지 못해 추천받은 걸로 골랐다
탄산가득 달달 시원한 와인
혼자 한병 다 마시기에는 너무 달았지만 고맙게 마셨습니다
동그라미 창문이 있는 내 특별한 텐트
닫는 방식도 특이하다
야침 두번째 나들이
이번엔 텐트 안에 쓰느라고 다리는 달지 않았고
짐 줄이려고 발포매트고 에어매트고 아무것도 안 가져갔다
처음에 잔디밭 생각했었으니 상관 없었지만 자갈 위에서 맨바닥은...
다행히 베낭 안에 모양 잡아주는 폼이 있어서 그걸 임시매트로 사용했다
침대 옆에 네모네모 동그라미 창문 - 너무 좋아
아직도 내 스피커는 사지 못했다
이번에 어쩌다 선택한 무라카미 하루키, 얼마만인지도 모르게 오랜만인데
상당히 좋았다 - 왠일~
침대 위엔 해리와 헤드위그 모빌
가을엔 딸과 둘이 야영을 나가보려 하는데 그 땐 어떻게 세팅을 하면 좋을지 이런저런 고민도 해보며 즐기는 하루
술안주로 꼬깔콘도 사오고
저녁으로는 가져온 보리로 밥짓고 카레는 3분카레~
고기가 너무 먹고 싶어서 1인분만 팔지 않을까 기대하며 매점에 가보았지만
그렇게 소량은 팔지 않아서 포기
너무 쪼들릴 때 가서 고양이한테 맥스봉 하나도 못 사줬다 흑
마주칠 때마다 너무 이뻐서 찍게 되는 내 텐트
이곳엔 고양이들이 제법 있었다
내 텐트 옆에 자리잡고 자고 있는 고냥이
고양이들 안녕 안녕
완전 아가 고양이 세마리도 있었는데 한마리가 놀다가 나무를 타고 올라가는 것도 보았다 진짜 싱기
다음날 아침, 가져온 스프만 먹기 아쉬워서 빵 사러 갔는데 맨빵은 없더라고 아쉽-
아침엔 해가 제법 쨍쨍하여 옆 그늘로 피신
평일캠은 정말 한적해서 좋다
잠깐이라도 햇빛에 침낭 널어주기
침낭 사용 횟수는 얼마 안 되지만 산지는 제법 돼서 그런지 깃털이 엄청 빠진다 에효
여유있게 철수준비
물티슈로 닦아주고 햇볕에 널어주고 바람 불고 뒤집어서 탈탈 털고
펙도 일렬로 고개 맞춰 꽂아주니 기분이 좋아진다
작은 쓰레기봉투도 다 채우지 못한 나의 소박한 야영
다음엔 잔디밭으로 꼭 오고 싶기도 하고
파쇄석에 화로 가지고 오고 싶기도 하고
-
좋기도 하고 심심하기도 했던
오길 잘했다 싶기도 하고 이게 뭔짓인가 싶기도 했던 -
다녀와서 더욱 다녀오길 잘했다 싶었던 나의 첫 시도
아, 찍을 땐 몰랐는데 전부 노을공원으로 찍혀있더라 ㅋㅋ
하지만 난지입니다
많은 것들이 고맙고 소중하다
이날처럼 오늘처럼 그날들처럼
하루하루 또 쌓아가는 내 인생
안녕
세상에
마지막 글이 일기를 다시 쓰기로 결심한 글이라니
대체 어디에서 떠들 수 있을까
누구한테 얘기할 수 있을까
무슨 얘길 하든
나는 행복하다고 얘기하면서
의심하고 싶지 않으면서
그래 난 의심하지 않지
지금이 좋은 건
사실일 뿐이지
뭐라고 하겠어
어떻게 살아야 하겠어
지금
아니면 지금과 이어질 날들
그게 다 나잖아
그냥 얘기하고 싶었을 뿐이지
그런 거야
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