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  1. 2008/12/20
    Fuck you(7)
    G-raf

Fuck you

The first thing i need to say is...i'm drunk

the second thing i need to say is...i'tm lonely and alienated as hell.

i'm not corean and don't know how it is to live in corea as a corean person...any corean person of any class or race or gender or sexuality.

first of all, sexuality is so different for every people in the world.

i don't know how to explain it, but i don't know what kind of sexuality i am and i never want to know. i like to leave my sexuality undecided, agnostic, maybe pansexual, if you will.

but wholly shit. does anybody feel so lonely that they are crazy?

maybe i need to move to itaewon and integrate with more of foreign people here.

i'm writing in english because it feels more comfortable to let my thoughts flow like a waterfall.

i need to day that i don't really feel like a foreigner in corea. i feel more like an alien. not from this world or anywhere close to it.

do many other corean anarchist postmodernist-types feel the same way? i don't know.

either way....

i got serious problems, but i don't know what they are. i don't feel like i'm connecting with anybody here.. i don't know if it has anything to do with sexuality, but one thing i do know is that i'm lonely. shit. lonely and alienated as hell.

and everytime i have interest in somebody, they always have more interest in corean friends of mine...maybe my corean friends are more masculine or just more corean....i don't know. sexuality is so fuckin stratified into hetero-bi-homo here in corea and it drives me fuckin crazy. no matter what sexuality i try to conform to....either way....i feel like there's no fuckin way to survive here with all the expectations and conformity. i'm not any sexuality. fuck the categorizations of everyhting from food to music to localities to 사투리 to politics to gender to sex to....

that's the way i feel now anyway.

as a non-asian foreign, i feel like a complete alien. not a foreigner. foreigners are recognized as humans. but these big, tall, wierd-looking "white" or "black" foreigners are like complete aliens from mars or jupiter. we have no personhood as we get stared at in the subway or sidewalk. it's not a bad thing or good thing. fuck the good/evil binary way of interpreting it. we just need to live on with it. and perhaps the only reason i can speak from this what-the-fuck perspective is because i received a relative amount of "white" privilege as a mixed person in my home country. that puts me in a privileged position as many people think of me as "white." but.....fuck race, because mixed people can't handle you're bullshit. i get different identity recognition from all the various perspectives of race. "what am i? fuck you, i'm nothing."  "human, hopefully."

whjere are all the lonely anti-authoritarian activists and radicals? where are the crazy fuckers? where are the insane artists?

i can't believe i'm writing this blog, but fuck! this is how i feel and if you think i'm crazy....
...well...maybe you're fuckin correct.

either way, i gotta say:

i feel lost in a puddle of mud. that's not bad, but maybe it's not good. i don't know.

either way, i gotta say it feels like shit. like bullshit. i don't know.

one thing i gotta say is fuck the whole system. fuck it and we gotta change it...perhaps until there is no system at all.

is that why i'm lonely? awwww shit.
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